If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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