My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
