I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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