I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
