I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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