Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
