When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
