he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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