Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
