I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
