p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize