Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
