help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
