I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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