In the future we'll all be gay
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
