you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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