DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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