mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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