just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
