Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
