Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish life had little blips of pornography
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
