so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
