why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm really busy with my period
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