Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
