so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
