The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
