We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
