Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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