I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
