the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
