I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
