Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
