So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
