Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Boobs are out for the taking
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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