I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
