I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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