I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
