cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
