All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
