I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
