you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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