one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
