Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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