her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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