it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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