I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
