my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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