Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize