your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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