were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
