the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
