i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
