Betty ford says i'm here all night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
