goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
