Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
