I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
