Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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