Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
