shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
A bitchslap is in order.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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