Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
