I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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