He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
