dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
